apparently, fear is not a factor for you

Joe Rogan owns you!!!!

rope you up, and put you in a bamboo cage

Skinny and Sexy Raw score: 22% Big Breasts, 31% Big Ass, and 56% Cute!

Thanks for taking the T and A and C test! Based on your selections, the results are clear: you show an attraction to smaller breasts, smaller asses, and sexier composure than others who've taken the test. Note that you scored low on both breast and ass size. This means you appreciate thinner, harder bodies. You are most likely to appreciate a super-model. Relatively, you are less attracted to round, soft, sloppy women. My third variable, "cuteness" is a mostly objective measure of how innocent a given model looked. It's determined by a combination of a lot of factors: lack of dark eye makeup, facial expression, posture, etc. If you scored high on that variable, you are either really nice OR you're into deflowering teens. If you scored low, you are attracted to raunchier, sexier, women. In your case, your lower than average score suggests you appreciate a sluttier look. Kudos! Recommended Celebrities: Kate Moss and Kate Moss, but 'em post-coke-binge for a cheaper date.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 4% on tit-size You scored higher than 15% on ass-size You scored higher than 38% on cuteness

Link: The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test written by chicken_pot_pie on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

don't ask her on a straight tequila night

The other night, I had a weird dream. It was heavily influenced by the (newer) Dawn of the Dead movie. You know, the one where zombies bite people and then they turn into zombies to bite other people. It was slightly different though, in that these zombies were scared of paper, super weird. I think I made some brass knuckles with paper and started punching zombies at one point in the dream, and it worked. I was part of the zombie fighting crew and our main hideout was in a stationary store in a mall. Then this woman gave birth to a zombie baby (just like the movie) and we were all trying to be sympathetic to her giving birth. But straight out of the womb, this thing was crawling so fast and was about to do some ankle-biting. It was coming right for my ankle so I did a full wind-up, David Beckham style kick on this zombie baby and then somebody caged the body with a flipped over shopping cart. People weren't mad at me though, it was a zombie! Regular babies don't start crawling right out of the womb, ya know. I killed a baby in my dream, a zombie baby.

burlap sack beatings

In tune with The Gateway's burlap sack section, I would like to do some of my own burlap beatings.

First, this goes out to MBNA Canada. I think your U of A card is ugly as fuck, but that's not the reason for my rage. It is to your telemarketers who called my house three times in one day. I think it was even the same guy all three times. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want your credit card? He was already signing me up when I said no, those fuckers have all your info already. I don't need your travel insurance, thanks. If your card was the shit, I would apply for it myself, goddamnit. Into the sack, I say!!

The second beating goes out to City of Edmonton street cleaning (or lack thereof). It's the end of April and the streets haven't been cleaned yet. Everytime I drive with my windows open, it's like a sandstorm (not of the Darude variety) in my car. The sand is also dangerous for the motorcyclists out there. When it snows, does it take a month before the plows come out? Let's clean the streets up. I'm going to throw some sand into the sack with you so that it gets into your underwear, get in the sack you dirtbag.

can't wait for my midlife crisis

This is a classic, but I haven't watched it in a while and thought I'd share. Enjoy.

the famed outing of april 19, 2006

Today, there was a flyer in the paper advertising the wonderful tent sale at Sport Chek. It talked about sweet sales on EVERYTHING!!! I was mostly interested in some Nike Dri-Fit tops, so I decided to take some time off studying to go check it out! I get to the Chek and it totally seems dead inside, where's the tent (and where's all the streamers and trumpeters?)? I walk around the shop trying to find some deals. Then I see a ray of light, coming from an open door in the back of the store, I go to investigate. I look through the door and it's this white tent in the back, looks pretty shitty! I walk in and it's just a mess of shoeboxes, rollerblade boxes, some loose golf clubs, and clothes messily hung on some clothing racks. I found the Nike tops, and there are no long sleeve ones, plus they are children sizes!! I looked at a 2XL and even then I had to say nay. I found a sweet pair of Nike tights, but I already have a pair. I basically walked around that place for half an hour trying to find a deal, I really wanted to, but I couldn't.

The outing was not in vain though. I went out to Sobey's on the way home to get some studying Cokes. 12 for $4.49, but wait, the special is 6 for $1.99. Awwwwww yeaaahhhhhhh, fucking right doggy! I'm set.

no, i can't teach you how to climb like tom cruise in MI:2

Yesterday, I climbed my first 5.10 routes ever. I've really only started climbing about four months ago, but I think it'll turn into a lifelong activity. It's kind of like golf for me, where it's an individual sport but there is still competition between people. Instead of me against the course, it's me against the wall. I was one of the instructors for a Red Robin group who came in for some team building. It was pretty fun, I must say. Do I wish that I were taken climbing while I worked at the bird? Yes. Do I wish that I still worked at the bird? Not really.

you win, you always do

Last night was the phys. ed. Last Class Bash at Bar Wild. Neon, "tight & bright" theme, rock on. It was awesome. Everyone was so friendly/drunk. I might be leaving the faculty next year, but I'll be phys. ed. for life! Fuck yeah!!!

no no drama, we don't want no drama (accompanied by the dance moves)

I originally wrote this a lonnnnng time ago. It's about a girl who I was truly madly deeply with, but I couldn't get the time of day from her (is that how I use that saying?). Some of you may know who I'm talking about, if not, just enjoy the read. I have asked hour out many times and once she ditched and didn't answer calls, but she had the nerve to call me the next day and not even say sorry. Anyways, last night, she showed up at Angela's birthday for a bit and then left without even saying hi to me (I found out she was there when she sent me a text message that said that I didn't say hi to her (wtf). A friend of mine decides to send her a text message that said have fun with the guy she came with and to "go fuck yourself." I was drunk and really didn't care, so it was sent (EDIT: This reads like my friend sent the message, but it was a joint effort, and I take responsibility for [but do not feel sorry about] sending the text). She comes back with texts saying how I owe her more than a "go fuck yourself" and all this saying how disappointed she is with me. I'm sending back logical responses and told her that fighting over texts messages is ridiculous, and if she gives a shit, then to call me because I don't give a shit anymore. The old post is below, feel free to read it if you want. You can call me a big baby/niceguy bitch if you want, I know I was back then.

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I haven't had a real, genuine post in a long time. I have something to write about tonight.

Warning, this post has scenes of emo that may disturb some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

ABSTRACT
Girl I like (and she knows, and we have plans to do stuff next week) and I are at a club. She is grinding with some random guy. All our work people, including me, get mad at her. She gets mad at all the work people, including me, because we got mad at her. We talked for a couple minutes and got kicked out of the bar because it was closing. She said she would call me tomorrow.

FULL TEXT
I'm going to talk about these events in chronological order (or as close as I can remember).

Tonight I picked up a shift at work because people were going to one of the manager's birthday outing at the Druid. I was working with this girl I've been pursuing as of late. She asked me to go to the hockey game with her on Monday, and I asked her to be my date for my volleyball banquet. We both said yes to each other. About a week back, we were at a bar again and we got to talking and stuff. All my work friends knew I liked her and I wasn't hiding it, what's the use? Apparently, she said she liked me too. So I'm all good and dandy now because we have that clear. The thing about this girl is that she is really flirty, but she crosses the line between talk flirt and sit-on-every guy's-lap flirt. That doesn't bother me, she asked ME and specifically ME to the hockey game. And all the guys I know, they're just getting played by her so that she can get free drinks (and it works). So that's the background on her, flirty girl, but nice.

Back to the recent. Tonight we worked together for a few hours (she was working all-day and she got cut early) and she kept saying how she loved working with me and all that butterflies-and-rainbows shit. I was eating it up. I'm very confident at work. I know how shit works, I know when to joke, I know when to be serious. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the top when it comes to experience (it's not much to brag about). I was "guest bartending tonight" and I have the privelege of doing that. So we do our flirt dance all night and she goes to get ready for the bar. I work and close the bar.

It is just past 1 o'clock in the morning and I give her a call to see if they're still partying hard. She seems pretty happy about my call and the news that I'm coming, sweet. I get there and people are drinking, I think she's only had a couple of drinks, so she still knows what is going on. I get a beer from the waitress and I sit down with her and talk for a bit. She went to go con some guy into getting a drink for her and I move to talk to some of my old work friends that I haven't seen in a long time. We get talking pretty well and then my drug dealer/former drug dealer (I really don't know) friend takes me outside to see his car. He is a 21 year old who drives a Cadillac STS. Wow. It is amazing. Anyways, I digress, let us go back into the bar.

I go back in and people are now dancing. This is where the meaty part starts. I join in on one of the "junior high circles" composed of my work friends and start throwing down some simple dance steps. I was thinking, "where is ___?," I'd like to dance with her. Then there is a commotion within our circle and I turn to see ___ dancing grinding with some random guy. They were all over each other (My theory is that people who dance don't have sex on the dance floor and people who have sex don't have sex on the dance floor). So the manager (it was her birthday) goes over and totally speaks her mind to ___ (the manager was drunk and there was no inhibition, but she probably would've done it if she was sober though). She basically told ___ not to fool around with random guys and that ___ had so many good guys that she could be with and told ___ to settle down and pick one. I saw it as a "protective older sister" kind of thing. Something done in good faith. The manager then went to say a couple words to the random. At this point, I went over to ___ and asked if she was okay. I also asked her to come over and dance with our work friend group. She said no and that she was fine.

Then I jokingly said, "___ you're making me jealous." She came back with a very serious, "don't worry about it, I'm fine." Fair enough, I took that comment as a subtle "fuck off," and I was pretty choked about it. I turned around and walked off the dance floor. I was going to walk out of the club and totally leave, but I stayed to talk with some of the girls.

Here she is grinding with some random guy right in front of my face. What am I supposed to think? Okay, we're not dating yet, but I'm a whole lot closer to her than the random guy.

All the girls said that she was a total player. She could really have any guy she wants, but she won't make a move. The girls even go as far as saying that I'm "too good for her." Now I've been hearing that saying since high school. My friends (who are girls) always say that I'm "too good" for the girls I go after. What the fuck does that mean? I'm sick of being "too good." Anyways, all the girls dismiss her as a flake and totally lose respect for ___. To tell you the truth, so did I.

I'm now in the little party room that we have reserved and I'm talking to some friends again. Just shooting shit. This is near the last song and people are leaving like a hurricane is coming. We're talking to a (gay) friend and asking him if he'd marry a woman if she was rich, just seriously bullshit. Then ___ walks in and kind of mingles around. She sneaks her way over to me and asks the person sitting beside me if she can sit there. I'm pulling the "I-can't-see-you-because-you're-invisible-to-me" act right now. She gives me a few nudges on my knee to get my attention and I turn around.

I ask her what's up and she asks me if I'm mad at her. I forget what I said, but I turned back around to my previous conversation. After that was dead, I turned over to ___ and asked her if we were good. She gives me this "I'm POd right now" look and says that she's mad at everyone because they were mad at her. I tell her that people were probably just trying to look out for her and that it was all in good faith, but she doesn't believe it. She then said I was really stern/mean/forceful when I talked to her on the dance floor. I didn't think I came off that way, but I guess that's how she perceived it. She also said that she didn't hear me ask her to come dance with me. One of her reasons for dancing with random was that she never really gets asked to dance by guys. Come on, I felt the wool coming down on my forehead. She's a gorgeous girl, any drunk random would pick her first out of a crowd. Anyways, I asked her to dance, and I took her response as a shut down, as a "fuck off." She said she didn't hear me, okay, fine. She also said that the guy was nothing to her. They exchanged numbers and she said if he calls her, she would just say "nice talking to you" and would hang up.

We really didn't have much time, because people were being shooed out by the bouncers. As some of the girls were leaving, they were giving me the 'cutting the throat sign' and saying no while I was sitting and chatting with ___. She takes the responsibility and says she will call me tomorrow. We pinky swear it and decide to talk about it tomorrow.

I'm really puzzled right now. One side of me really wants to go further with this girl while the other side "ain't gonna take no shit from nobody" and wants to tell her to fuck off. The other girls just don't think she can stop being the super flirt. I'm not into drama, but I also realize the need to take some risks. I'm going to be optimistic and try to work this out with her.